Tears of a thousand mothers

How big shall we be today?

How much of the world shall we allow within our consciousness?  Which parts shall we push out, deny?  Like Peter denied Jesus three times, which parts of our being shall we whisper, “not us, not us, definitely not us…”

Like Judas, whom shall we betray?  Which shy or fearful inner being shall we murder, rape, pillage?  From which part of self shall we turn away in shame, weeping, begging, “Get thee behind me!”

How big shall we be today?  How encompassing, allowing?  How much love can we muster for the guilty, the broken, the shattered jar?  How much allowing for the inner thief without allowing her to steal all our precious riches?  How much compassion for our Hitler without burning him in the oven of our pain?  How much, how much? 

Which parts of ourselves shall we cut away, razor blade by razor blade, to show the world an acceptable face, a perfect mask, a song without wailing and gnashing of teeth, an eye which does not weep?

The coins of our rejections lie dusty in an alabaster jar in the farthest reach of our cellars.  Mice and squirrels scamper within, scattering dung.  Tears of a thousand mothers dampen our treasure. 

“My child, my child,” the mothers weep, “Why won’t you love her?  Why won’t you love him?  Why don’t you see the worthiness?  Why don’t you see how this one–this precious one–carries the forgotten key to remember who you are, who you are, who you really are?”

How big shall we be today?  What bruised forgotten self shall we hang from the cross?  Dare we move the boulder away from the grave of skeletal renunciations? 

What beyond the rejected and approved selves will embrace it all, embrace it all, the Easter of our resurrection?


10 thoughts on “Tears of a thousand mothers

  1. “Tears of a thousand mothers dampen our treasure…” Tears of joy and tears of sorrow for every mother’s bittersweet treasure of knowing her children will do all these things, and will ask these questions, too, in their own way in their own time…

    Thank you so much for sharing your awareness, Kathy…

  2. Opening to these various facets is not something that is encouraged is it? We are taught to construct our best possible self and sell that. So, opening to something that doesn’t shed the best light can feel like the “Dark Night of the Soul”. Who would want to do it? It is a total reversal of our conditioning and our inner survival instincts.

    This call asks us to march backwards down the path with the marching band unrehearsed playing all our worst notes.

    And yet, that is exactly what I am willingly facing here while all the self protective inner voices (social) and survivalist voices (physical) screaming the whole way Noooooooo!!!!!! The forms and variety of conceptual counter strategies and tactics are legion.

    If any thing less than what is real survives the thought storm, I will be surprised, and that is the point.

    What is likely to happen walking directly into the fire of thoughts, attitudes, conditioned manipulations with a willingness to be defenseless, harmless, and a total failure (in the eyes of conditioning) is a cleaning out of what the mind can expect out of any authentic realization, and conceptual self that has to drop because the charade has so obviously failed.

    If there is any goal or choice (don’t know) it is staying with and even inviting every dark aspect into the light too see, see, see, and feel, feel, feel resting in the onslaught including all resistance to the whole process.

    Yuck! And…
    There is nothing left to do, but This.

    Courageous Post Kath!
    Not even the most visible and known spiritual teachers with supposedly deep realizations have dared to post anything like this.

    And yet… I find it the most supportive and encouraging piece at just the right time.

    Oh Yeah! It took quite a few days to see it. ;o)

    Deep Bow In Gratitude & Respect!

    • Ben, I bow deeply back to you. I honor you that you were able to read this at such a deep level and to recognize what was attempting to be articulated. Someone recently pointed out that “meditation is simply a controlled nervous breakdown.” I watch my whole mental structure breaking down all the time. Nothing can be supported, nothing truth, except that which cannot be articulated. The whole structure cannot survive.

      “That which is real” is the only thing which survives. Or perhaps “don’t know” is only what survives. I haven’t seen a thought which can be believed in days–except when everything goes unconscious. Then it’s easy to claim a self in our sleep-state of humanity.

      Bless you, Ben! How much I appreciate your presence in my life.

  3. Yes Kath!

    I was driving in my truck tonight and all I could do is feel how amazingly vulnerable all this is that you describe. All the structures of what I thought and the definitions of self couldn’t stand up to this vulnerability. The feeling in my chest was overwhelmingly tender. Nothing I felt wanted to resist. A lifetime was willing to crumble. There were times I could have bent over (physically) at a stop light and wailed at the simultaneous pain and delight of the intimacy of this vulnerability. It was beyond any sense of control.

    The vulnerability of recognizing how fragile the structure constructed over a lifetime brought both delight and fear. What was exposed came forward… without hesitation, and increased amazement. Thought said how I can I tolerate this… and how can I not???

    Goodness, the impact on day to day life was disarming for many people at work. Many couldn’t even comment on the intimacy of no longer presenting a false image of “knowing” or “being in control”. I felt and heard the confounded response of silence to the raw exposure of discovery in what it is I do in a presentation. They couldn’t ground it in a conclusion and I could tell that was unsettling. Questions were few and fleeting. This is the beauty of truth confounding in silence.

    Blessedly so, the presentation i made to the group moved others. There was an unspoken recognition of connection to something real and yet intangible. It was a kind of unspoken celebration. Can you imagine this kind of experience in Corporate America?

    The wisdom of duality is that with the greatest success can also come the greatest failure. And Oh! How beautiful that is! Why? If there is a why, it is that what arises, falls, and is destroyed revealing this that is untouched. To live from that failure and corresponding success somewhere between and no where at all…. A True Gift!

    Thank you so much for the gift of living clarity and inspiration!

    Your writing dislodged a week of watching dark thoughts day and night. Only in the failure of thought and the success of embracing all those scary parts could this happen!

    Something keeps coming back to the Bible phrase As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil. Something decides to walk through that valley, and it is untouched by good or evil while at the same time moved beyond anything known

    Deepest Bow!

    • Ben, honoring your willingness to be that vulnerable and open. Sometimes I feel absolutely mortified and embarrassed allowing so much vulnerability to exist. Other times there are those feelings of softness, openess, bliss.

      that with our greatest failure can come our greatest success, and with our greatest success our greatest failure. I sit quivering with this. I think how many times I want to get rid of the scary parts of self…and yet the other times when something opens and the scary parts are simply part of this wholeness. Integral.

      I think how challenging it has been watching the belief and mental and emotional structures collapse. How this Valley of the Shadow of Death is really our path into Heaven–IS Heaven. How we need to hold each other’s hands as we walk through the shadows.

      Blessings, always.

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