Lull when the busy life stops and you don’t know where to turn, what to do, how to think, how to stop thinking, how to witness.
The house suddenly empty after three full weeks of going here, there, up, down, around, under, in between.
No talking, no wondering, no stress, nothing but silence, an old friend, returning to sit beside you once again.
Escaped guinea hens wander alongside the road, pecking, lunching on wood ticks and tiny spiders. What creatures are these? you wonder and walk down the neighbor’s long curving driveway to ask, “Do you have escaped fowl?”
The guinea hens elude capture and you return to the silent house, waiting, waiting. Your husband’s brain will be photographed in an MRI this afternoon. Your daughter, an upcoming maid of honor, is off with the bride-to-be.
Birds call. Sunlight scatters through clouds. Here now, gone in a minute.
A friend on Facebook calls you sweet and sexy. That floors you. Sexy? You look down at your oversized “River Hugger” purple t-shirt and ragged shorts and wonder. How to respond?
A logging truck’s engine roars up the Silver River Hill, a few miles away. The neighbor’s goat bleats through the trees. Fawns, almost grown up, seriously munch grass near the garage.
I felt unexpectedly kind and loving toward myself yesterday, and it’s lasted today. Since when did I quit being so kind toward myself? I can remember three years ago being totally in love with this being and feeling that love spill outward onto all other creatures, guinea fowl and fawns included.
Somewhere along this path of life I sometimes started silently reprimanding myself for thoughts, habits, negativities, personality, chattering, existing as a separate being. All in the name of pursuing freedom, awareness, enlightenment, whateveryoucallit.
Yesterday I remembered that I love this being, this Kathy. This separate being who has small passions and habits and endearing crazy ways of following her bliss. How could this have been sometimes forgotten, ignored, in the name of Union with Everything?
In the remembrance, I love you and you and you and you even more.
Self-love like this is the opposite of selfishness. It sees everything as itself and grows wider and wider and wider in this sacred moment. It is sexy and alive and wears purple t-shirts and admires guinea fowl.