Who am I?
I am a being utilizing practice/meditation to realize the Oneness which we already are.
I am also everything, simply everything.
For the next day or days or months–who knows?–this blog shall become a Journal summarizing my spiritual practice.
The comments shall be turned off during these journals. As you know, meditation keeps our attention inward until we eventually fully realize that inward and outward are not two separate aspects. They are one Emerging. I am resolute to keep attention focused inward as much as possible now. (I’ll turn the comments back on when the journal entries cease and the poetry or more general thoughts flow again.)
The Mayan calendar ends in 2012–aren’t we lucky? The end of the world as we perceive it might bless us this year! If not, we will have deepened our practice to new depths and realizations.
If some of you current readers choose to cancel your subscriptions, my heart will not mind. It knows everyone will not delight in journal entries about spirituality and Oneness and enlightenment. It knows some folks break out in hives at the word “enlightenment” and perhaps that is a worthy response!
Nonetheless, I shall hazard forward.
Part of me thinks this is a big mistake. Sharing may take attention off the fire in my belly which grows hotter by the moment. I want to keep repeating my current mantra/koan which is “Mu” and not distract the mind with thoughts. (I shall perhaps explain “Mu” to you soon.) Sometimes I simply rest in awareness. At other times ceaselessly question “Who am I?” Sometimes I look in awe and amazement at the dream reflecting back at that which calls itself a “self”.
Shall I back up a little and explain how the fire kindled in my belly toward the Moon of Awakening?
Quickly now. Let’s not waste too much time in days gone by. I “awoke” to Native American spirituality in 1987 and spent seven years with the Ojibway natives learning deep earth-based traditions like the sweat lodge and vision questing. They named this one Naquobmigesiquay, which means Rainbow Eagle Woman.
In 1994, I veered off on my own path, experiencing kundalini in the mid-90’s in which waves and waves of energy suffused my body for five hours. It felt like oceanic waves of bliss.
In 2000, I dreamed of Brooke Medicine Eagle who called me west to her camp “Lodge of the Dreaming Women.” An incredible week of being-awake-in-the-dream broke through deep barriers.
In 2003, the dreaming abruptly seemed to cease and I was advised to ground my physical body/stability with meditation. Meditated on awareness and breath for many years.
In 2008, suddenly and unexpectedly, on my birthday, after a month of culling all unnecessary graspings and desires, something other than Kathy “woke up”. It woke up and she was nowhere to be found. It was, literally, mind-blowing.
She kept returning and disappearing. About three weeks later, Kathy returned with a vengeance. She returned full-force, the ego screaming in indignity that such a horror of disappearance had happened. An intense roller-coaster ride began for months after.
It felt like the Dark Night of the Soul. It felt like hell.
On the surface, Kathy kept smiling and writing and doing all the usual things. She even started a year of blogging about an outdoor commitment. No one suspected anything was wrong or different or unusual. But inside it roller coastered between no-self and ego-self, no-self and ego-self, rising up to thrilling heights and plummeting down to painful lows.
I didn’t know how to live with this human being any more, with all her graspings and desires. I tried to get rid of desires. This did not work. This increased the desires a hundred fold. I tried to do everything under the sun to find equilibrium, to rest in the no-mind.
It sometimes worked on the surface, but not deep inside.
I visited a friend/meditation teacher out in Lake Tahoe who returned to basics and taught me to return to my breath, breathing in and out. I woke every morning and stumbled down to the basement before work to breathe and watch the Mind spin and breathe and watch the mind spin.
Slowly, slowly, slowly, the deep unconscious began to settle. The roller coaster slowed down. Even though the human graspings did not cease, the larger mind now encompassed them.
The witness grew stronger. The mind grew clearer.
This year, at Christmas, during a holiday trip to Georgia, the mind relatively clear and expansive, I picked up the book “The Three Pillars of Zen” by Phillip Kapleau. The book itself didn’t seem anything new, but the energy behind it, through it, sizzled.
Some Zen Roshis advise using the word “Mu” as a mantra or koan. A koan is a question you can not answer with your logical mind.
On the airplane, coming home from Georgia, I looked at the silver wing and breathed “Mu”. Glanced at my husband–mu. Flight attendant–mu. Magazine–mu. Pants–mu. Voice–mu.
Soon I was weeping in joy. Mu, mu, everywhere!
(The Oneness, the Beloved, the Joy!)
What a lovely Christmas present, dear Jesus, dear Mu.
This past week–much clear expansive Mind. The big Mind. The little mind still continues its chatter, but it sounds like birds chirping. Not really so important.
I talked with my friend/meditation teacher two days ago. Her energy always feels like six jolts of caffeine. Afterward I looked out the window and saw that it was ALL mind. The trees are mind, the birds are mind, the deck is mind!
No separation, not because there isn’t discrimination and discernment. There is no separation because it’s all mind! And here we are, silly humans, thinking we’re only little separate bodies when we’re really everything.
The next day I felt dull, empty, almost like nothing. It felt uncomfortable, like a pair of jeans that doesn’t quite fit.
They say that some people declare that they have “woken up” after they glimpse Oneness.
I would say that I am very shallowly experiencing Oneness, a bit here, a falling back asleep there.
I seek to deepen and truly realize this Oneness in 2012.
Writing about this on Simply Here is my gift for those of you who can gleam something from my practice and utilize it in your practice. If you can be inspired or fired-up or expanded, my heart is glad.
Glimpses of oneness have revealed that you and I are not really separate. Sure, we’re wearing separate dream bodies. But we’re the same thing. We’re awareness! If one of us wakes up, everyone in the dream moves toward awakening.
If you’re not interested in awakening, if you are satisfied where you are, my heart bubbles over with delight because your satisfaction is also my own.
If you think the “doing” of meditation is not necessary or advised, I bow deeply to you in your own journey. Many of us feel our hearts calling “do something to do nothing!” and we must not refuse to answer.
Blessings in our path to fully realizing the awakeness that we already are! Love and Oneness, Kathy