Controlled mental breakdown

Bud

A wise woman once said, “Practicing meditation in order to awaken to what we really are is like a controlled mental breakdown”.

We often don’t think of awakening beyond the personality as a “controlled mental breakdown” but in many ways, yes, friends, that’s where we’re headed.

What breaks?  Our mind, of course.

The mind which controls, plans, fusses, worries, plots, moans, wails, despairs, suffers.

The mind which often keeps the personality in tip-top shape, doing what personalities do.

The mind which acts as commander-in-chief, plotting strategies.

If awakening is happening, that mind is eminently collapsing.

And, dear friends, the mind usually isn’t happy about its demise.

It will do anything to prevent breakdown, alas.

(On the other hand, this is good news.  You may not want the mind to break down too quickly.  It can be a good friend until you rest so securely and assuredly in Awareness that your heart zings with surrender to what-is.)

Tangled

Some people experience the move into awareness very gently.

Their mind does not rebel over much.

Many of us, however, suffer as the mind breaks down.

Another wise woman said:  there are three tendencies in people.  There are people who mostly experience the world through their body.  Others experience the world mostly through their heart.  And there are people who mostly experience the world through their mind.  It can be very challenging for mind-people to drop what energizes and delights them.

As a mind-person, I have found this mental breakdown very challenging at times.  To surrender to what is below, beneath and around the mind–sweet everything!–has been, yes, hell on earth some minutes and days and weeks in the past three years.

Mind zings so strong, an utter dictator.  It says when, how, why and do it now. What a Hitler!

When we believe our thoughts, we’re often destined to obey them.  When we can’t separate our sense of self from thoughts, we’re robots.  When we think we’re the one thinking our thoughts–oh lord, prepare ourselves to suffer!

I could write epics about suffering caused by believing/identifying with thoughts/feelings.  How the suffering increases when you no longer believe in thoughts–yet do not have the energy or awareness to cease following them.

When you no longer believe in an “I” but have a thought/feeling to do something and you wag your tail and follow like Pavlov’s dog, unable to choose otherwise because there’s no “I” to choose.

Fortunately, Awareness itself keeps moving towards Home.  It keeps moving toward mental breakdown.  As it moves, you keep falling in love with it, oh beloved!–and the mind simply cannot withstand the power of love.

More and more “it” relaxes in this mind-less state, the sweet singing of birdsong, fingers on keyboard, refrigerator humming.  “It” delights in itself appearing as everything.

The mind fusses less and less about its relegation to the background.  It fusses less and less about its breakdown.

Opening

Mind itself begins to reveal itself as something so expansive that an identification with “tiny” personality feels like a dream, like a story, like a song you once hummed.

In five minutes this mind may start its wailing, its drama-song, and perhaps I’ll be lost again in the dream of Kathy for an hour or six, but it’s really not believed with the same assurance any more.

What encompasses is so much larger that it loves even our drama-song, our definitions of self, the mental breakdown which surrenders into the yolk of infinity.

This mental breakdown into love is our divine gift, our birthright.

(Don’t believe a single thing I just typed.  Mind attempts to judge, to agree, to argue, to ponder.  Instead rest in the  spaces between words and dive into the emptiness between paragraphs.  Your breakdown may be utterly gentle…)

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Controlled mental breakdown

  1. Loved and resonated with the whole post Kathy!

    “I could write epics about suffering caused by believing/identifying with thoughts/feelings. How the suffering increases when you no longer believe in thoughts–yet do not have the energy or awareness to cease following them.”

    Jesus Yes… If We’re Lucky.

    And

    “Fortunately, Awareness itself keeps moving towards Home. It keeps moving toward mental breakdown. As it moves, you keep falling in love with it, oh beloved!–and the mind simply cannot withstand the power of love.”

    And here I thought I would spend my days with light beaming out my eyes floating transcendent above it all. ;D

    Hafiz seems to have a fair amount to say on the matter from a number of different angles…

    My Sweet, Crushed Angel

    You have not danced so badly, my dear,
    Trying to hold hands with the Beautiful One.

    You have waltzed with great style,
    My sweet, crushed angel,
    To have ever neared God’s Heart at all.

    Our Partner is notoriously difficult to follow,
    And even His best musicians are not always easy
    To hear.

    So what if the music has stopped for a while.

    So what
    If the price of admission to the Divine
    Is out of reach tonight.

    So what, my dear,
    If you do not have the ante to gamble for Real Love.

    The mind and body are famous
    For holding the heart ransom,
    But Hafiz knows the Beloved’s eternal habits.

    Have patience,
    For He will not be able to resist your longing
    For long.

    You have not danced so badly, my dear,
    Trying to kiss the Beautiful One.

    You have actually waltzed with tremendous style,
    O my sweet,
    Oh my sweet, crushed angel.

    ~ Hafiz ~

    TIRED OF SPEAKING SWEETLY

    Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
    Break all our teacup talk of God.

    If you had the courage and
    Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
    He would just drag you around the room
    By your hair,
    Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
    That bring you no joy.

    Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
    And wants to rip to shreds
    All your erroneous notions of truth

    That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
    And with others,

    Causing the world to weep
    On too many fine days.

    God wants to manhandle us,
    Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
    And practice His dropkick.

    The Beloved sometimes wants
    To do us a great favor:

    Hold us upside down
    And shake all the nonsense out.

    But when we hear
    He is in such a “playful drunken mood”
    Most everyone I know
    Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
    Out of town.

    ~ Hafiz ~

    (The Gift – versions of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky)

    Truly Enjoyed the Post Kath! A Beckon of Light During the Breakdown!

  2. Thanks, Laurie and Ben. Oh Ben, my heart overfloweth with joy to read these poems!!! “Hold us upside down and shake the nonsense out…” Oh my sweet crushed angel… Loving them both, and loving both of you.

    • Alison, I see it healing in the long run because what we realize is the All, but in the short run losing the mental structure has not been easy for me. The personality has struggled to survive, to maintain itself. Glad you were able to enjoy an opposite way of looking at this.

  3. Oh, I am such a mind person, Kathy! My mind quivers and quakes at the very idea of experiencing what you describe in this post. Its strangehold on my life and my experiences has not yet loosened.

  4. Pingback: The Need for Forgiveness « Tales in Translation

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