Rage

shadow

Meditation arises every moment.

Emotion sparks:  Rage!

Most people (including me) often attempt to push anger away, thinking it should disappear NOW.  Shame on it for arising.  (The ego spouts judgments like:  if I were just wiser, more spiritual, a better person…this feeling would not, should not, arise.)

Today I simply watched rage arise with its unexpected paralyzing force.

Fury, sparks, wild anger!

Blue Cross and the hospital–demons, both!  How dare they bill us for $2,479.00 yet again when we’ve met our $6,000.00 deductible?  How dare, how dare? Have been on the phone hours already with hospital and insurance company alike and everyone agrees it’s inaccurate.  The latest kind & lovely representatives assured a re-billing would solve this problem once and for all.

Yet, this morning, horrors:  another Blue Cross bill for the same amount!

Rage.

Pure, hot, white.

Meditation arose simultaneously to watch, to feel, to deeply experience.

Here’s what happened in slow motion:

Deep fire heat of feeling coursing through body, rising from gut, exploding toward brain in white heat.

Accompanying litany of inner despair.  Seeing reaction.  Feeling frustration, inadequacy, loss of control.  Witnessing beneath the reaction to deep sadness.

A total body encompassing of emotion, being exquisitely present with it.

Presence wrapping its invisible arms around anger.

Anger subsides, disappears altogether, leaving no residue, no trace.

Gone, gone, gone, maybe two minutes after its rising.

Even a subtle pushing away of rage will stoke the embers of anger and bring it sixfold back into consciousness.  What we resist, persists.

Anger may arise again, or again, or again, or maybe it’s off playing somewhere else.

Meeting anger as a friend, finding love within rage:  there’s a hidden gift in everything we want to annihilate.

Have you found a gift lately wrapped within an unwanted emotion?

 

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17 thoughts on “Rage

  1. That’s worth about 100 books purporting to help people “deal with” (= avoid) rage etc. Thank you!!
    IMO rage/anger tells us that something is not appropriate to our well-being, and gives us the physical energy to remove that obstacle/condition. Other alternatives when something is not appropriate to our wellbeing are to stay still (freeze) or move away from it rather than toward it (fear.) Simply 3 ways embodiments deal with situations embodiments encounter. No more, no less. Judging any of them seems silly, pointless. Like judging the jerking back of the hand from a hot flame!!!
    Yeah, thanks for stimulating me to articulate my own view. As always your articulation is far more elegant, and “I’m loving it.”
    And I would have felt the same way, LOL, and those people you are dealing with are trapped in a system which is Kafka-esque, so none of them have the power that your anger-mind is attributing to them. IMSVHO. (in my so very humble opinion.) That consideration however, is irrelevant to the quite accurate assesment of the situation as not conducive to your well-being!!
    Love you so!!

    • Thank you, OM. As you say, “Judging any of them seems silly, pointless.” Yet how often do we humans do that? I am glad you paused to articulate your own view. Actually, the anger was not directed to the people who have been diligently attempting to deal with this situation. It was to the Kafka-esque system, as you put it. Maybe that’s why it was possible to stay in Presence and watch the rising and falling so easily? Thank you again, my friend.

  2. NO! Not yet, I haven’t. Mine doesn’t feel like it is going and I am moving to resentment. I don’t even feel that I can accurately comprehend about what. If I try to pat me on the back for making the effort, or tell me to give me a break, I just cry. Crying seems untenable, worthless. Part says, at least you can care another part says eradicate perceived enemy, another part says oh now see why you are sick and can’t be what you are. It’s poo.

    • Elisa, I feel any response from me is tentative because I don’t know where you’re coming from, but will try to share my own perspective. Whenever I am trapped in resentment and/or crying, it can usually be traced to identification with believing I’m a “me”. Instead of being in a place of witness. Example: in the garden a few minutes ago felt the Mind starting to create a resentment. Witnessed that I was falling, falling into identification with “I”. Also witnessed that I believed my thoughts/feelings. Was not able to easily remain present…everything started falling into the “thousand voices” in the head making their pronouncements and judgments.

      What seems to work the best these days is simply creating space around the renegade thoughts/feelings. Space for tears. Space to encompass resentment. Space to allow/witness crying. Witnessing the thought “you are sick” and seeing that it is not me. Who says you are sick and who believes it?

      But it can be poo, and if this makes it sound like it’s a piece of cake to always do this, please forgive. Sometimes I struggle mightily and fall face first. Other times, more often through the years, identification falls away to the Universal and it’s just Life crying, Life getting angry, Life picking onions, Life making pronouncements and there’s no one there to believe them any more.

      • Then again, Elisa, just thinking–maybe you didn’t want or need a response from me at all. Maybe you were just expressing yourself. So many times I am just expressing myself and really don’t want to be “fixed” and yet people jump in and offer all sorts of fixing-advice. If you needed simply an ear and I provided a huge pronouncement, please forgive and totally disregard.

        • Pondered…still not sure. I like seeing how you do it. It’s like shopping for tools. Sometimes, when a situation or myself, do not respond to a use of my own tools, I get to wondering if mine are broken, or if I am doing it ‘wrong’. Getting out of me, to simply and calmly view how others do it, can get my head above ‘poo’. Perhaps, that above ‘poo’ is related to that viewing rather than judging. Somewhat simplifies things, helps to simply list options and to be still. Searching for ‘normal’ a lot of late. Hearing a dear friend’s crotchety voice, attitude and words looking at me and saying, “Normal is a setting on a dryer, my dear.”

        • Elisa, I haven’t laughed that hard in days. “Normal is a setting on a dryer, my dear.” Ooooh, toooo droll and toooo true about our lives these days, huh??

          WRT vantage/viewing points, Tom Kenyon’s “Friends” the Hathors recently recommended rising “above” for example two inner conflicting views or feelings and looking “down” from a third, detached, witness viewpoint, to make a wiser decision from there.

          I had occasion to recommend that to someone I was doing spiritual counseling with, who was extremely torn about a decision, and she found it helpful. It seems to be similar to what you and Kathy are talking about.

  3. “What we resist, persists.”

    Kathy – I have found this to be oh-so-true in my life. It seems that each time something arises that I feel compelled to resist, I somehow forget the previous lesson, and have to learn it anew.

  4. Loved how well you described the rising of emotion, the observation and then the disappearance of it. I can get through a few seconds of watching it rise and into the observation of it, not too often though do I enjoy the fruits of its disappearnce. . . .recognizing the attachment to going for the cheap thrill.

    • Alison, it’s good that we recognize our attachments. Maybe that’s all that’s required of us until Life decides to “enjoy the fruits” of its disappearance. Sometimes it’s hard to wait through emotions because they hurt so darn much–or, as you say, because we think we’re enjoying the cheap thrill. Thank you for sharing.

  5. your posting is so timely for my life right now, Kathy. I feel the resistance you are talking about — changes are coming into my life that I am not entirely in charge of and I think I want them on MY terms, but now, I am not sure that is the best course for me. Within my disappointment and fear I am finding an excitement as I realize that when people and circumstances leave me life, I am then open for others that just might be better for me.

    • I encourage that latter perspective, Barbara. My 2012 has seen massive letting go of some central people and activities in my life, and what is coming in is quantum leaps more personally exciting and more satisfying in terms of service to the world.

    • Hugs, Barbara. I think you are right, but it’s not always easy when Life wants to move through us in new and different directions. I’m feeling this, too. I think we will continue to open.

  6. A wonderful piece thank you. The way we judge our poor inner child who feels all our emotions is enough to crush anyone!
    DRiving home filled with rage like you described, no way could I go in as you describe., but I did find a short cut. I suddenly remembered Buddha’s words about being attached to our suffering, and I realised yes, I was attached, going over and over all the things I wanted to say. As soon as I realised I was attached, then I could let go….the sense of relief, peace and settling was bliss!
    Look forward to reading more of your posts

    • Valerie, thank you for reading my blog. I agree with you about our attachment. How often it really separates us from what is truly happening in the sacred moment. Loving that you “got it” and was able to let go. And that you honor the emotion-filled inner being. Thanks again.

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