May I share this with you few friends who pause here to read Simply Here? Have been reviewing my spiritual journey and putting it into words in my mind–and need to write it down. Perhaps you’ll be able to glean something helpful for yourself, as well.
In 1987 I unexpectedly “woke up” to a part of my being through the Native American way. The third eye opened and life was suddenly filled with dreaming, amazing synchronicities and deep connectedness. A thought manifested on so many levels. The unified field of awareness revealed itself.
I zinged in joy and bliss for years. (In retrospect, this isn’t entirely true, as deep-seated patterns continued to vie for attention, but the general mood for 15-16 years was delight.)
At times it felt like the top of my head would blow off due to the intense energy swirling. The synchronicities vibrated and increased. I would dream of a tornado and one would touch down. I would imagine a spiritual teacher announcing the gift of $2,000 and it would arrive. Everything was alive and spoke its metaphysical language.
In 2003 the deep inner spirit announced a different tact. I was to meditate. OK, sounded good to me. I began to breathe, to be present, to inhabit the body.
It wasn’t fun; it wasn’t joyful. The bliss disappeared. The dreaming and synchronicities mostly disappeared. The higher realms seemed inaccessible. Instead, there was the weight of the body, the boredom of the physical reality, the tedious incomprehensible pattern of the breath.
I didn’t get it. Why would Spirit take me to the heights and then make me re-inhabit this one-dimensional physical world?
Still, I trusted. If meditation was required, so it should be.
In 2008 or 2009 (calendar not handy) I finally experienced an “awakening” from the body level of experience on my birthday. What awoke was not Kathy. It was Spirit itself, alive, moving, incredibly interested in manifestation, amazingly without personality.
This lasted on and off for about three weeks before Kathy’s patterns re-grouped and dug in with desperate ferocity.
The last three to four years have been a gathering of energy, a deepening of breath, a movement into patterns. In some ways it proved a Dark Night of the Soul. Only my light-hearted blogging on Lake Superior Spirit helped balance the frustrated energy of not being able to completely live in the awakeness previously glimpsed.
In the past six to nine months finally-finally!–a shift has ensued. In the spring my awareness was finally able to penetrate the deep pattern of “fear of emptiness”. Oh what relief! I was able to perceive that I had never, ever, been completely comfortable in this body, on this earth. A lack of trust revealed itself.
In this clearer seeing, a relaxation began to spread in the moments of emptiness. Instead of retreating and moving toward the outer world to fill my fear, I began to relax in emptiness. It revealed itself as infinitely kind and expansive.
In spring, 2011, I did the ten-week Presence Process by Michael Brown. It was extremely helpful in allowing me to feel more deeply. I would have always called myself a deep feeling individual, completely attune with my emotions and feelings.
The Presence Process revealed that untruth. Yes, I felt emotions intensely. Yes, I was alive as a feeling individual. But much of this was on the surface of personality–with a story attached. In other words, the feeling was filtered through a story like coffee flows through a filter.
I did not really know how to stay present with a feeling without a story. My friend, Marianne, and I started the Presence Process this fall again. I had conveniently forgotten the benefits gleaned from the first experience–and suddenly remembered the importance of feeling. Although I did not finish the Process (choosing instead to follow my inner guidance once the process kick-started the feelings) it has been an amazing few weeks.
The center of awareness is starting to shift into the center of feeling. Thoughts still arise, but feeling sits more securely at the center. Being able to feel emotional pain all the way to the roots has been penetrating pattern after pattern.
Please don’t assume this means I have awakened fully in my feeling center. This is a process like peeling an onion. More and more is revealed daily, hourly, by the minute.
Twenty years ago I would have never imagined how deeply ingrained personality patterns are. I thought that understanding was enough. That the mental knowing would dissolve the patterns. That has not proved the case–although perhaps it has for some people.
Being raw and open and vulnerable and here with feeling has opened so many black holes in the psyche. Holes where Essence was abandoned as personality formed.
I am so grateful for even small emotional pain these days. Each revelation allows a penetration of awareness which encompasses the inner hole to reveal emptiness. If you stay with the emptiness, you discover space. If you stay with the space, you begin to reclaim your lost Essence.
Thank you for listening. Love, Kathy