After the awakening experience on January 8th, I am pretty much back asleep in the dream again.
And yet it’s OK. It’s better than OK.
It feels like someone has opened a window and the sunlight of grace shines in, illuminating shadowed corners.
It feels really good.
After the first awakening experience maybe four years ago, the aftermath felt like hell. A vicious grasping attempting to return to the wide-open clarity of wakefulness ensued. A roller-coaster of pushing and pulling, wanting and fearing, controlling and chaos spun the ride faster and faster toward an unknown abyss.
The first awakening opened doors but the strength of the Ego slammed them shut. The Ego then nailed the doors, just to be sure. But sunlight can not help but stream through the cracks of our powerful resistance…
This time It felt awake for twelve days. I cannot say “I was awake” because that doesn’t really describe it. What happened is that the personality fell away like a distant shadow. What remained was just wakefulness. (Although I remember thinking that the word “awake” doesn’t describe it at all. Such a silly term. There was no term to describe it, because one must re-enter the world of the dream to attempt description.)
Adyashanti wrote a wonderful book called “The End of Your World“. It is very helpful to read when one’s frantically-spinning mind is attempting to make sense of perceptual shifts. He speaks of “abiding” and “non-abiding” awakening.
A small minority of people who awaken to a true sense of their innate existence actually wake up and stay up. It’s like they’re hit by lightening. Their circuits re-route and they know, truly know, and can act, truly act, from the depth of their world-altering perception.
The rest of us wake up in bits and pieces. Life itself is always moving toward waking up, but the human dream-world contains the pull of gravity so strong to keep us here on two solid feet, walking in the woods, wearing our coats of many stories.
This time, when I fell back to the sleep of this dream-world, I actually felt such a sense of grace. Of relief almost. I could see how kind the Universe is, how the Universe knew exactly that this was the best, to re-experience attachment to the dream. Everything inside shook off like a dog after a nap and a lightness pervaded, a release. It’s hard to explain.
Something has shifted since this second awakening experience. Everything is held much lighter. There are not (thus far) any huge emotional disturbances. A peace has descended. A quiet happiness.
Thoughts are seen through much easier. (Although not always. I can spin in a story about being a personality longer than Miss Muppet.)
An inner guidance/barometer has come to the forefront. I can see much more clearly the next appropriate action. (Although not always. Flubbing is as easy as pie.)
The story of the personality contains holes, irreparable holes. It looks like a fish net now. It’s not going to hold fish for long without breaking.
The cycle of desire/grasping/wanting has eased. For the first time often experience deeply in the bones an understanding of “enough”. (But not always…)
There is a sense of divine trust in the Divine. An abandonment to that which is beyond…a deep abiding love…
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again. (When we fall from the throne of personality, we’ll try to put ourselves back together again. We’ll use the glue of opinions and thoughts and beliefs. We’ll tie ropes around our fears and desires attempting to hold them in place. We won’t succeed though, I’m confident this time.)
I see now that awakening is not superior or inferior to choosing a personality. In fact, until the personality is well established it’s probably too painful and futile to discover what lies beyond (or before). What makes more sense right now is deeply loving this sacred moment for what it is–personality or no personality.
Yet there is a tug, a pulling, a prompting to remember and to bring the memory forward into this moment. We’re only ever awake in this moment. Not the next one, not the previous one.
It’s so precious. Right now. Even the story is precious, as Mama understood when she read us fairy tales and we wished Hansel and Gretel wouldn’t get lost.