I’ve spent a lifetime pushing away pain. Repressing it, hiding it in the nooks and crannies, refusing to feel it boldly and fully.
I’m not alone. It’s what the human mind does.
It seeks pleasure; it bans pain.
The mind, oh what a dear, so often attempts to assist us. It feels pain rising and offers suggestions in knee-jerk reactivity. Here, how about this piece of chocolate cake, honey? How about if we check email? Cigarette anyone? Let’s write a blog. Anything, anything, anything to help alleviate this accelerating tension, to make that darn pain go away, back to the hell which seemingly created it.
Sweet mind–to make us want to feel good. I love that something loves me that much.
But this technique doesn’t work, dear mind, because all those repressed feelings settle in our body, between the big toe and left knee, the ovary and intestine, the heart and frightened lungs.
We hold a lifetime of repressed pain hither and yon. It usually remains beneath the scope of daily consciousness. Until something–anything–triggers the prison bars and the pain surfaces like a lion’s roar in the form of emotion. Emotion is so often a repressed feeling that now contains powerful energy. That underground energy runs the life of so many of us. It affects so many aspects. It often controls what we do, what we don’t do, how we respond.
The hardest part of this spiritual journey–for me–has been bringing the repressed pain into consciousness. Learning how to feel the pain without an attached mental story. Simply being with the raw sensations of pain without running into the woods and never returning.
It has been intensely scary to fully feel pain which I’ve pushed away since age four.
It has been the most valuable gift.
It changes everything.
It allows me to remain conscious as Life more and more minutes during the day.
Pain has become a companion. Not as a demon to be feared, but as yet another angel to be allowed. I don’t always like her. But the gifts she bears sparkle with jeweled possibility. She lifts the prison bars and allows us to fly free.