What I’ve sought in coffee, email, approval, dreams and luscious lemon bars lived inside me all along!
What a fine joke. The kind you giggle about until tears roll down your face and your mother frowns because you and Dad disturbed the table with your hilarity.
Here I’ve been trying to find happiness and push away that oh-so-awful pain…when, all along, like a bright shiny penny lying on the sidewalk of your heart–I was already always what I wanted.
It’s here, it’s here, it’s right here!
Peeking out behind sorrow. Playing hide-n-seek with the inner empty hole.
Except those metaphors miss the mark, the way an arrow aimed at the moon falls back to the earth, gravity-bound.
My love embraced like a warm white blanket, never distant, never peeking, never gone.
My love enfolded all compulsion, all thoughts, all feelings, every single mosquito buzzing through the long night of forgetting as you slapped and squashed and bled.
Oh shall we laugh together until the sun sets and darkness surrounds once again, and even then our laughter will gleam like fireflies.
In five minutes, nay, five seconds a thought may arise insisting I’m less than, you’re less than, I need this, you should do this, the world’s not shining like a star, you silly girl, you dreaming fool, you misguided flop of a being!
Before, for long years, lifetimes even, these thoughts were believed, attached, somehow connected to a sense of self. Heck, in five words I may believe anything as if it’s the Holy Writ, lost in a dream of the little me who needs to be fixed, repaired, reassembled into acceptability.
Yet, hallelujah! beneath everything imaginable–the next passionate wanting–lies complete total encompassing magnificent allowing loving embracing end-of-seeking, no need to seek, never a need to seek, because it’s all HERE. In you, in me, as you, as me, as us. And yet the need to seek is perfect, simply perfect, because otherwise, how would we know THIS so intimately, the skin of it the skin of ourselves, no separation?
To truly SEE this, to live it, right now, this now–I fall to my knees and sing holy, holy, holy to the broken glass of our window, to the warped lawn mower blades, to the next person who disagrees offering only their unique perspective, their take, their arrow pointing toward the moon.
Beneath the planted crop of our beliefs and thoughts and emotions lies an endless green field and blue sky of ourselves! Completely peaceful. Free. Unbounded. The only bind? The next believed thought which makes me forget what’s already our birthright, our heritage, our song, our dance, our enough-ness.