Endless pursuit to fix ourselves



In our identification as a separate self, as a separate wave in the ocean of existence, our minds often fixate endlessly on how to improve or make ourselves better.

We fuss, suffer, attempt to fix our personalities.  We often think of ourselves as flawed human beings who–with just the right magic wand of effort–should be able to create ourselves into ideal creatures.  We think we shouldn’t have these inappropriate thoughts, habits, emotions.  If we just try hard enough, we reason, we’ll correct our personalities and make them conform to our inner idea of who we should be.

Let me interject.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this desire to fix ourselves.  It’s just what the mind does.  It attempts to take away our suffering and make us happy.  The mind wants to create this life as something it deems good.  It’s attempting to be kind.

If our car battery leaks, we fix it.  If we break into hives after eating cheese, well, we’d better change our habit.  If we’re injecting heroin into our veins every day, death may be awaiting around the doorstep if we don’t make a change.

It gets tricky even to talk about this, because the mind wants to place this into a new fix-it strategy:  “Ah ha!  My new plan will be not to fix myself!”

If we identify ourselves as a separate self, fixing is just what the separate self likes to do.

If we’re interested in discovering what we are beyond a separate self–the very act of fixing can keep us moored to that identification as a “me” who needs to be improved.

Most minds will never be satisfied with this mending game.  They will never get to where they want to be.  They can’t 100% create the Ideal Self, the one they totally approve.



If minds aren’t trying to fix themselves, they’re attempting to express how others should be different.  Paul shouldn’t act that way.  Diane shouldn’t say that.  Missy should behave.  Pierre is a bastard.  (Add your mind’s latest discussion about how someone should be other than himself or herself.)

Fixing is an addiction for many.  We try to fix; we then dislike ourselves for this.  Around and around the merry-go-round twirls.

What a benefit for keeping the separate “me” in place!  Without this addiction might we suddenly allow ourselves to be what we are in our perfect imperfection?  Might we relax a little and perhaps even glimpse that what we truly are exists beyond the little “I”with its real or imaginary problems?

Our minds think:  if I don’t fix myself, I will die a slob, a failure, an addict, an imperfect being.  Things will get MUCH worse without fixing!

But is this true?

Is this really true?



Or is this simply another way the mind keeps us amending?

Beneath and around and encompassing the fixing mind might one discover an ocean of peace, of love, of joy which truly shines AS us when the thinking mind ceases its fixation?  Or, more accurately, when the thinking mind is seen as simply another wave in the ocean–not the personality, not just the Sam, Sue or Sally it thought it was.

The mind may continue to fix until the end of time.

But, if we’re interested, can we see that this is not who we are?

That what we are is larger than a small person who needs to be repaired and made acceptable?

Look around you now.

This is what we are.  This unnameable everything is what we are.  See how we embrace everything–even the mind that attempts to fix.

What grace.



17 thoughts on “Endless pursuit to fix ourselves

  1. Tim should walk on the right side of the sidewalk… That was my mind’s latest discussion about how someone should be other than himself… Even while I am contemplating the miracle of pregnancy (who is making this baby really, gathering all the molecules and turning them into life?) I still fall into fixing… But who is actually falling? Love this post, Kathy!

    • Barbara, you have no idea how your comment convinced me–yet again–that this is all a dream. Just finished reading “Painting the sidewalk with water–talks and dialogs about Nonduality” by Joan Tollifson. I think when your mind was discussing the sidewalk it knew you would be responding to this comment and delighting me by the synchronicity. Or maybe it’s even closer to the marrow than that. It’s all happening simultaneously: one expression of life. Yes, the miracle of life and yet we still fall into the fixing. And even more amusing–WHO falls into the fixing? Who is it that fixes? Endless “fun” in these questions, grandma.

  2. Pingback: Not personal | Simply here

  3. Thank you Kathy! Thank you. Just when I needed this, I have it right here.
    Sometimes I wonder too, but you put it in the best words beautifully.
    Well, a very good note to start the new week! Thank you once again, dear Kathy.

  4. Found this reblogged at Lori’s….had forgotten you had this blog.

    First of all, fixing it is a good Southern saying because we are always “fixing” to do something, therefore, I have been trying to fix everything into my perfect/imperfect world. The perfect home; never dirty ’cause I am fixing to dust, vacuum, etc.

    As for my life, I could never be the perfect child or adult. That was relegated to my siblings…I was the outlier.

    This was astute and something to ponder. I know how to separate behavior from the person, but do I know my separate self?

  5. To compare myself to another person is folly. I do need to observe and analyze myself on a constant basis, discerning how to improve, to glean the best attributes from others and apply those to myself. I must keep in mind that I am the best me, but make the worst someone else.
    By observing others, I construct goals to strive to achieve, only to improve myself, not to compare or re-make myself into someone else. It is not a ‘fix’, because I am not broken…it is an improvement, an investment in myself to improve my self worth, both to me and to society.

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