The truer truth.

Sometimes I want to say something.  To write an essay.  To delight in written expression.

I start writing.

I type “The challenges of saying anything.”  Then stare at the computer for two minutes.  So much bubbles up inside!  Yet every sentence that rises to the surface erases itself.  All that remains is silence.

How to explain this, even to myself?

It feels like nothing is “true”.  Any sentence refuses to shine with integrity.  (Yet every gleaming fragment is true; every sentence dances with its own imperfect perfect integrity.  You see what I mean?  It’s impossible to speak.)

To add more seeming indignity, here’s how it goes these days.  A sentence rises to the surface.  It is absorbed, breathed, allowed by the Absolute.  But the sentence isn’t in control.  It has no idea if it will ever sparkle in the light of day.  It waits.  The silence waits.  And either it will appear or it won’t.  No one has any idea, any control, any surety.

A friend wrote an amazing blog recently.  So many thoughts arose to greet, to meet, to honor it!  Thoughts bubbled to the surface of consciousness.  And then…instead of arising to fixate the world, to explain, to create…they simply continued to bubble and burst, bubble and burst.  No way existed to add anything, to subtract anything, to interact.

One may think by reading this that I’m silent and withdrawn.  Not the case!  Words arise, unbidden, and speak themselves daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute.  I’ve felt and experienced so much intimacy with friends over the last few months.  There are no challenges to expression in this intimacy.  One witnesses sentences arising–true, false, who cares–and it’s a fluid flowing river of water and rocks and wildflowers and snow, all jumbled together, all separate, all engaged and alive.  Every fragment shines with integrity and then dissolves, the wink of Buddha in its eye.

Impossible not to share.

Yet something seems to keep asking, “Is it true?  Is it true?” and I realize that everything I once took as so solid and true and absolute is not.

When thoughts arise and they’re seen as untrue, it’s sometimes possible to witness the larger truth which effortlessly and compassionately encompasses both expression and silence.  Which is the truer truth at this moment?  And how would that truer truth express itself?

That’s the question that engages my heart this New Year.  How does the truer truth express itself in the now?  And the only answer seems to arise in the living of it.  And to embrace any not-knowing that arises.  Not knowing if one shall blog, speak, sing, visit New York City, finish this cup of coffee.  To allow that not-knowing to possibly release its terror-filled grip, to relax, to live in the truer truth that never knows and never not knows. To live that which rises as a whole, without duality, singing itself awake.



6 thoughts on “The truer truth.

  1. why is truth or all of its not truths important? i wonder if this –whatever you call it that you are playing with, is causing more breaking apart instead of just experience. Perhaps this was not the point and I have not understood, I just shared what popped into my mind. I am now thinking of those that I have known to be searching for true and for truth and they often end up ruminating and missing the living.

    Last thought, some human in his/her own ruminations came up with the concept of dual and non dual to attempt to fixate or to justify his or her own idea/ls. It could be simply a dysfunctional coping mechanism passed down through time as a truth,and people keep tripping over it because it is untrue.

    Now I am thinking about painting and wanting to paint the glass with the light through it of cobalt blue. I cannot begin as I cannot get or choose the ‘right’ shade and thus I cannot paint. I suppose perhaps the choice and wish for proper shade might not be the point, perhaps it is in the action of painting that will fullfill my spirit, if I could just stop thinking about the darned paint.

    I like watching you write. I also like the things that I think when I read your words, even if I do not ‘get you’. (meaning I made a mistake or an assumption,not that I do not like you)

    • Yes, and your words rising forth, truth and not truth, Elisa, shining like paint through glass. Interesting–I feel the breaking apart–and yet the joy of experience is greater than I’ve ever known in this lifetime. Ruminating has mostly ceased, except when it doesn’t, like this morning. Living keeps arising in a way never before felt. I write because the writing itself expresses something…and then it’s released. It either offers something for another, or it doesn’t. You are so right about our mind’s tendency to ruminate and miss the living! To put into concepts and miss what is really important. I love how you expressed that. P.S. I do not ‘get me” either and it doesn’t matter like it used to.

  2. If I may, from the longer view of someone who looked under every rock and tree for the essence of the soul and where it was located when I was a little younger than you, I have a perspective of what is happening. This is, of course, from my world view which is different from your world view.

    There are worlds within worlds. Sometimes they touch for a brief moment of time and pass on floating free from the other worlds. Maybe one clear, silent, night, in your sadness you stepped into that free floating world looking for a truth, an explanation, just anything to take away the sadness, the internal struggle of “not knowing”, “not finding, not holding that truth moonbeam, in your hands, you stepped in and turned loose of that earthbound Kathy.

    You can only find your truth based on your own perception; not mine; not the universe. Is their a Universal truth? However, should I know?We are directed by God to live one day at a time and to live in the moment. Live the truth of that moment. There is no more.

    Life can be filled with what seems to be unbearable sorrow. Yet those of us left here to carry on, look at what was and now must face what is, whether it is truth or an off color blue painted vase!

    I have missed you but did not write. There are things one must “do” alone and work through alone, or with their very best friends, but essentially alone.

    It took me a long time to understand that only I could fix me, with God’s help.

    This morning I was experiencing existential loneliness and was pleased to find a dear blogging friend had written about truth and I could “ruminate” on those thoughts.

    I try to write, yet I am out of sync with self.

    I hope some of this made some sort of sense.

    • I am sitting with the truth that you’ve expressed here, Linda and feeling what you perhaps have felt. I love where you wrote: we are directed by God to live one day at a time and to live in the moment. Live the truth of that moment. There is no more. Wow! That is a powerful insight, indeed. You know, for the first time in my life I am learning to integrate and live so much more. To truly feel the pain or sorrow (without pushing it away) while simultaneously experiencing so much more deep peace. It’s a good place in life to be. (Although times of experiencing existential loneliness can hurt.) This did make sense. Thank you…

  3. In writing there is such a quandary – “It feels like nothing is ‘true’. Any sentence refuses to shine with integrity”.

    Yet I still seek to express what is in this heart’s mind of mine. And YES !! – “Yet every gleaming fragment is true; every sentence dances with its own imperfect perfect integrity”. I do understand the paradox that represents.

    The most genuine and authentic does seem to me as well to be that “the only answer seems to arise in the living of it” and “never knows and never not knows” and is completely comfortable with that.

    Peace and new year Blessings !!

    • Thank you so much, Deb. I love the way you wrapped the paradox into words here. Happy to see that you have a new site. Perhaps someday after traveling will have a chance to sit with it… New Years Blessings to you as well!

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