When Awareness plays as a separate self

One vase, two profiles?

All perspective

In the last week–for two full days–Awareness decided to play as a separate self again.  The “I” seemingly forgot everything and slipped into a dream of itself.  It thought it was a separate person in a separate body with a separate mind and separate feelings making separate choices and doing separate actions.

Oh how that little self suffered when it forgot!  The contraction of identifying as a separate self–with thoughts and feelings fused as an identity–can feel so excruciating.  Unlike the wide-open radiant sense of inclusiveness there is a sense of tightness, obligation, worry.  There is a horrible conviction that one must make the right decision, do the right thing, act in a right way, save oneself.  The little self actually contracted into thinking she was in control and needed to–well, she wasn’t sure what she needed to do.  She just wanted to get away from the contraction of her little self and didn’t know how.  So she kept struggling to regain balance, to regain the Absolute knowing.  To fix herself.

After two days of chaotic feelings and thoughts, Awareness seemingly decided to remember itself.  To awaken from the dream of the separate self once again.  It sat on the couch and prompted the small self to look around…to truly see.  Was there a separate self here?  (The separate self shouted YES!  What the heck could you possibly mean?)  Is there a separate doer here?  (The separate self said:  Are you insane?  Of course I’m the doer. Who else is the doer except this person in this body?)

The separate self literally could not see or remember anything other than its own perspective.  I remember thinking that Awareness was literally crazy with its prompts and inquiries.  That there was no other way of viewing reality than as a person in a separate body with separate thoughts and feelings.  This feeling was absolutely sure.  It was as if I had never heard of absolute awareness before, and it was totally impossible to imagine or reach.

I continued to sit on the couch, looking, looking, peering around the edges of the small self who was so conflicted and contracted.  About twenty minutes in physical time passed.  And then–all contractions ceased.  It was utterly clear once again!  Oh my stars.  Only freedom.  No boundaries.  No exclusivity.  No separate self.  No terrible obligation or decisions to be made (or not made). Now contractions could rise and fall naturally and easily without resistance, without identification.

Simply this Oneness.  The little Kathy felt embarrassed.  Really?  How could I fall head-long into this game yet again?  And yet it was seen clearly that it was only awareness playing, playing, playing, no need to fuss.

It’s Awareness choosing to play–a simple thing, really.  And Awareness choosing to return to itself.  This seeing relaxes the body/mind so fully and deeply. And the whole world arises in itself, as it always has.




10 thoughts on “When Awareness plays as a separate self

  1. “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~ Lao Tzu

  2. i know this is all serious and then too rule 62, what if none of that self thing or the other form of self thing…a need to be called aware are all the same, or don’t matter, or matter a LOT

    i’m going to be or do and move thru all sorts of things over which i have differing amounts of influence,

    my fixer is shouting noooooooo we have to FIX it lol
    the ruminator is trying to get warmed up
    someone is sighing
    and i would just like to go see a movie


    • I think that you are right–it probably doesn’t matter much at ALL! It’s how the Universe wants to play. If the Universe wants to play as a self-thing, then super dandy. If the Universe wants to be just the Universe–then super dandy. Either way it’s just the Universe moving.

      • And if it doesn’t matter to you then I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I never even talk about this to 99.9% of all my friends and family because it doesn’t matter to them. This isn’t a hierarchy thing with one state better than the other. In fact in some ways the self state can be a darn fun place to hang out. It’s just life expressing and feeling and knowing itself from another angle.

        • Ha! You got me thinking while drinking coffee and eating a bar. All the people I love best–my husband, children, Mom–none of them are the least bit interested in self/no-self. And they certainly couldn’t tell how I am seeing the world in any moment. Barry would have no clue that two days I suffered and saw the world through the eyes of self. Just as he would have no clue that now the world is perceived differently. It doesn’t matter to our relationship. The only thing I notice in recent years is that I tend to hurt a LOT when contracting into identity as a self. And when that identity isn’t as acute then all sorts of feelings are still arising (negative, positive, whatever) but they’re perceived in a context and suffering isn’t there in the same way. That’s really all.

          If these words can help or comfort another person whom the Universe is nudging toward a different perspective that that’s cool. If these words do nothing but confuse…oh well…then these kind of blogs are just water spouting up into air and falling back into the sea.

  3. There is always truth to what you think, believe, consider, and as you say sometimes it is the Universe prompting us to look at another perspective. For weeks maybe even months I have abandoned everything I regularly do and or practice. I don’t know why? Or maybe I do, to see or view a perspective from how things might be or how they are not, etc. Hence the silence, and lack of involvement of much of life…

    • Jeff, I hope your silence and lack of involvement in life these days is not weighing heavily on your mind and spirit. It seems that sometimes a different perspective can prove an inspiring thing and other times it’s the opposite. Thinking also of how practices can be so important at times and then they fall away. After reading your comment the other day I remembered the practice of Morning Pages. My mind said–I have nothing to write and don’t feel like writing. But the minute the pen hit the paper thoughts started appearing. That is always the oddest thing. A big hug your way…many blessings…

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