“That little one never made it”

Who we are

Adyashanti shares an interesting story.  I am paraphrasing from memory, but this is the gist:  A spiritual seeker tells him–I want what you have.  Adya appears puzzled.  What do I have?  The spiritual seeker says–I want to be enlightened, to be awake, to be realized.  I want what you got.  Adya replies something like–oh no, I never got anything.  That young man never got anything.  That little one never made it at all.

This story comes back to me at times.  Like this morning.  Sitting here on the couch, thoughts appear in the background.  They keep referring to a “me”, to a Kathy.  They continue to reference a solid separate person with certain characteristics.  The foreground of consciousness watches them appear and disappear, appear and disappear.

I sometimes want to explain to my friends and blog readers here on line.  To tell them what happened, what shifted, how the outgoing blogger and social media participant dissolved–poof!–now you see her, now you don’t.

I want to make up a story telling you where the person went. “This is what happened,” I will say, craftily spinning a tale, pretending that there is an actual person who can come and go, arise and fall, create stories and fall silent.

But the stories can’t really be told without fabricating more creative non-truths.  I can’t tell you anything about me without shape-shifting into a me.  (Which is perfectly OK if that’s what the Universe wants to do in this ever-changing moment.)

Sometimes, like this morning, there’s a nostalgia which arises for the person.  Oh, that little one, that one, where is she?  I almost want to create her this morning out of sticks and stones and a rib from Adam and some grinning amusement from Eve.  To craft story after story to make a solid character who acts predictably in certain ways, who is dependable as the heroine or villain of the tale.  Or who loves acting unpredictably!

(And some days she returns–oh here I am, darling!  Let’s play today.  What character do you want to be?)

But it doesn’t seem possible right now.  It’s as if the old characters have fallen away into the snowy woods, a snowman melted away, the archetypes empty icicles gleaming in the weak January sun.

Matthew of Biblical fame says it this way:  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

The fullness that remains when one dies while still alive! Wow!  What appears in place of the stories is truly amazing in the most ordinary way.  Fingers typing, can you imagine?  The wood stove humming?  Thoughts and stories appearing? To enjoy encounters with people more than before, but without needing anything in return?  All without reference to a central character, a separate person?

Perhaps it was Adyashanti who said that you may lose the separate self but what you gain is the whole world. The whole darn world!  Can you imagine that?


6 thoughts on ““That little one never made it”

  1. Oh my goodness, Kathy. You’ve done it again! As I sat down to try to write about THIS, I noticed a post in Simply Here and abandoned my writing effort to read the new gem. Oh my goodness . . . yep, something wants to write about this and then the words just seem silly or they melt away like the icicles on the grapevines just outside my window . . . sigh. Thank you once again for your beautiful words.

    • Judi, I love how the Universe works, too! Just went over to Facebook right now and noticed that this very Adyashanti quote (in its actuality) was posted in the Adya group ten hours ago. It looks like you “liked” it. How funny that the quote was coming up during morning meditation sitting on the couch. One field, one movement, one melting. How nice to hear from you! xoxoxo P.S. Another interesting thing has happened. This is the first blog I’ve ever written where there is no desire arising that others either read or don’t read this. Everything feels so already full and complete that it simply doesn’t matter.

      • Wow, I’m just finding this, Kathy. I never look at my notifications here at my blog so I’ve probably missed all sorts of responses (or maybe not) will have to go back and look.
        Anyway, I love to hear how this writing is going for you . . . no need for anyone to read, but a desire to write anyway. Not having it matter . . . yes, that is how I occasionally find myself, just moving and not caring whether it “becomes” something or not.
        I didn’t get back to you regarding our emails (I don’t think) so that’s coming up as soon as get a few things done (like laundry 🙂
        Always so happy to hear from you, and know that it isn’t necessary to hear from you because I feel so one with you and all beings. Hugz

        • It’s so funny, Judi, how I can barely remember writing this post and expressing these opinions. So much is always shifting, moving, turning into something else. Please find a little note in your email inbox this morning. xoxoxo

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