In the last week–for two full days–Awareness decided to play as a separate self again. The “I” seemingly forgot everything and slipped into a dream of itself. It thought it was a separate person in a separate body with a separate mind and separate feelings making separate choices and doing separate actions.
Oh how that little self suffered when it forgot! The contraction of identifying as a separate self–with thoughts and feelings fused as an identity–can feel so excruciating. Unlike the wide-open radiant sense of inclusiveness there is a sense of tightness, obligation, worry. There is a horrible conviction that one must make the right decision, do the right thing, act in a right way, save oneself. The little self actually contracted into thinking she was in control and needed to–well, she wasn’t sure what she needed to do. She just wanted to get away from the contraction of her little self and didn’t know how. So she kept struggling to regain balance, to regain the Absolute knowing. To fix herself.
After two days of chaotic feelings and thoughts, Awareness seemingly decided to remember itself. To awaken from the dream of the separate self once again. It sat on the couch and prompted the small self to look around…to truly see. Was there a separate self here? (The separate self shouted YES! What the heck could you possibly mean?) Is there a separate doer here? (The separate self said: Are you insane? Of course I’m the doer. Who else is the doer except this person in this body?)
The separate self literally could not see or remember anything other than its own perspective. I remember thinking that Awareness was literally crazy with its prompts and inquiries. That there was no other way of viewing reality than as a person in a separate body with separate thoughts and feelings. This feeling was absolutely sure. It was as if I had never heard of absolute awareness before, and it was totally impossible to imagine or reach.
I continued to sit on the couch, looking, looking, peering around the edges of the small self who was so conflicted and contracted. About twenty minutes in physical time passed. And then–all contractions ceased. It was utterly clear once again! Oh my stars. Only freedom. No boundaries. No exclusivity. No separate self. No terrible obligation or decisions to be made (or not made). Now contractions could rise and fall naturally and easily without resistance, without identification.
Simply this Oneness. The little Kathy felt embarrassed. Really? How could I fall head-long into this game yet again? And yet it was seen clearly that it was only awareness playing, playing, playing, no need to fuss.
It’s Awareness choosing to play–a simple thing, really. And Awareness choosing to return to itself. This seeing relaxes the body/mind so fully and deeply. And the whole world arises in itself, as it always has.